It's been a while since we talked last. I've been trying to leave you alone. Let you do your own thing, make your own mistakes. You know. But we need to have another chat. Not about the taste of your breakfast bars this time. I've actually found a few that are fairly decent. This time we need to talk about these little inspirational messages on your wrappers. I'm sure these European bike trips of yours are really exciting. That's not true. I'm sure they are probably fucking excruciating. Miles upon miles of pedaling while having to listen to you drone on and on and on and on about vast glaciers and quaint villages and "explorative riding." Whatever the fuck that is. I'm willing to bet that the only reason your friends agree to go on these trips with you if because you're rich as balls and pay for the trip for them. Why the hell else would they put up with your shit? I know you're all about yoga and organic whatnot and good karma. That's great. But enough with the soupy, psuedo-philosophical drek already. Stay in your lane and stick to making mediocre-tasting energy bars. I think that would be best for everyone involved.
People Who Want Breakfast, Not A Life Lesson
PS: Why are they called Clif Bars if your name is fucking Gary?