Dear People Who Send Christmas Cards

Dear People Who Send Me Christmas Cards,

In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel obligated to tell you what it is that I do with those Christmas cards you mail me. I open the envelope. I take the card out. I look at it for about 10 seconds and say to myself "I should really call soandso." And then I throw it in the garbarge. I don't mean "I hang it up for a few weeks and then throw it out." I mean directly from the envelope into the garbage. I'm not much of a sentimentalist. To tell you the truth, you're not very interesting. And your Christmas cards are even less interesting. If you're ok with this knowledge, by all means keep sending me your Christmas cards. But just know that I won't take it personally if you decide to stop engaging in this colossal waste of time and energy and stop sending them. Because once again, I'm just going to throw them right into the garbage. 

Happy Holidays!

Love,

Just Somebody Trying To Save You All A Load Of Unnecessary Trouble

Unless your card is as ballsass crazy as this one...which it probably isn't.

Dear Freedom

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Dear Freedom,

I don't really know how to say this, but I think it's time we break up. You see, Freedom, we really Which we can all agree is more delicious than freedomdon't need you anymore. I mean, we have a bacon cheeseburger with macaroni and cheese on it. We have Keeping Up With The Kardashians. We even have a 4G dildo-phone that doubles as a Wi-Fi hotspot. So you see, we'll still be the number one country in the whole wide universe even without freedom or due process or equal protection under the law. That shit's for liberals and fags anyway. As long as gays can't marry and corporations aren't regulated, everything that makes AWESOME (yes in all caps!) will be safe! Look, we've had a really good run. We had some laughs and we'll always cherish the memories we made together, but the time has come to say goodbye. And besides, you know that for the last thirty years we've just been going through the motions anyway. The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 (which passed by a HUGE majority in both houses of Congress, btw)just said what we were both thinking anyway. But this will be really good for you. You can move on and find a country that really appreciate you they way we used to. I'm sorry freedom. It's not you, it's me.

Love,

America

XoXo

Yeah you thought I was kidding about that dildo phone, didn't you, motherfucker?

Dear Fox News

Dear Fox News,

You guys really tried to turn Thanksgiving into another "War on God" "Obama hates America" story? Ok...I think it's time we had a little talk. I get that this whole "culture war" thing is your schtick but come on. It's like you're not even trying to pass yourself off as a real news source anymore. That's no fun. I miss the old Fox News. WE all knew you were crazy but YOU didn't quite know it yet. So even though you weren't even within spitting distance of fair or balanced, at least it seemed like you believed all the crazy shit you were saying. Now it's like you're in on the joke and just trying to see how far you can push it. What's fun about that? It's just not sporting. So now that the joke has reached its end, maybe you could try being a real news network. You're right. Silly thought. 

Sincerely,

People Who Miss Your Unintentional Comedy

Ok, so maybe you haven't been trying for a while now.

Dear Kid Who Hacked My XBox Live Account

Dear Kid Who Hacked My XBox Live Account,

I hope you get AIDS right in the center of your eyeballs, you cunt-nuzzling shitfucker. I was planning on doing a big write up for Arkham City, Skyrim, and Assassin's Creed, but I can't do that now. And for what? Some fucking Microsoft Points? Seriously, shitcock? You couldn't have at least stole some real actual money from me? I hope your whole family dies in a house fire on Christmas Eve. You're probably sitting in your mother's basement lauging about this, thinking you're some kind of hacker mastermind. I hope that some day you have sons and that Jerry Sandusky is their little league coach. I hope you fucking die and everyone who ever knew you has a shitty life solely becuase they were connected to you.

In closing, and I mean this from that absolute bottom of my heart: I hope all of the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else.

Sincerely,

A Guy Who Can't Access His Gamer Profile For 25 Days.

I hope that on the night you finally lose your virginity, you also contract Hepatitis C, you shit guzzling fuckbag.

Dear Chick on the Q Train

Dear Chick on the Q Train,

I'm a tad confused. You went out of the house today all dolled up in a nice summer dress and a brand new pair of boots. You had your makeup all done up, your hair was perfectly highlighted. It was clear that you even had your impeccable eyebrows freshly waxed (base on the redness all around your browline). So why on Earth did it look like you haven't shaved your legs in at least a year? What. The Shit. Is That About? Listen, shaving sucks to your assmar. There's nothing enjoyable about dragging a razorblade across your skin to scrape the hair off. But leg hair on a female just isn't ok. Unless you're a fucking centaur. Or you're part yeti. Come on, even your arm hair looked like it was shaved off. I just don't get it. It's like you're skipping all the easy test questions and going right to the extra credit. Please just help me to understand.

Sincerely,

Guys who appreciate basic grooming