Dear Freedom

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Dear Freedom,

I don't really know how to say this, but I think it's time we break up. You see, Freedom, we really Which we can all agree is more delicious than freedomdon't need you anymore. I mean, we have a bacon cheeseburger with macaroni and cheese on it. We have Keeping Up With The Kardashians. We even have a 4G dildo-phone that doubles as a Wi-Fi hotspot. So you see, we'll still be the number one country in the whole wide universe even without freedom or due process or equal protection under the law. That shit's for liberals and fags anyway. As long as gays can't marry and corporations aren't regulated, everything that makes AWESOME (yes in all caps!) will be safe! Look, we've had a really good run. We had some laughs and we'll always cherish the memories we made together, but the time has come to say goodbye. And besides, you know that for the last thirty years we've just been going through the motions anyway. The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 (which passed by a HUGE majority in both houses of Congress, btw)just said what we were both thinking anyway. But this will be really good for you. You can move on and find a country that really appreciate you they way we used to. I'm sorry freedom. It's not you, it's me.

Love,

America

XoXo

Yeah you thought I was kidding about that dildo phone, didn't you, motherfucker?