Since it's back to school time and all you sad fuckers have to go to class, I thought I would impress upon you a few things that Professor High Life has learned in the fairly recent past. Have no fear! This is not the T.J Maxx version like when your mom tried to convince you that no one would notice if you showed up to school in Wrangler's, my big, strong cowboy. This is the real shit and at least 50% of it is true, unlike your actual history class:
1) Cocaine is a helluva drug (I don't think that requires any further explanation);
2) If I stop playing my guitar I sound like one of you trying to play guitar when I play it again. Don't stop playing your guitar, asshole! (That one was really more of a reminder for me);
3) When getting a tattoo, taking morphine prior to needle touchdown, doesn't actually help at all, but in fact, makes it a thousand times worse. For you geniuses going to pharmacology school or those who know anything about drugs (not you, Tito...call me later!), get at me because I am curious why the fuck I wasted a morphine before getting this dinner plate sized tattoo. Hypothetically or whatever.;
4) Pilates hurts. Don't drink so much fucking beer that you need to start. End of story.;
5) White wine sangria is way better than red. NO headache. NO weird red lips or dry mouth. AND you end up with fruity little shots of delicious poor decisions to eat at the bottom of your cup. Also, in some non-gay way, everyone looks sexy when drinking sangria. Ay Papa!;
6) Read a fucking book, you illiterate flesh buckets! And I don't want to see any of you reading 50 Shades of Oatmealish Gray Matter. I mean a real book. Also, put down your Goddamn phone when crossing the street. I am NOT saving one more of you.;
7) HOLY SHIT! It's going down to 75 degrees at night in NYC!?! Better get your scarves and hats and totally awesome arm warmers with the thumb holes and a cleverly placed Super Mario patch on the wrist out! It sure is brisk, you pop cultural limp dick.;
8) The new Battleship movie is unwatchable. Awful. Stop it. The aliens do not make it worthwhile.;
9) Eat more Goldfish crackers. They are made of Heaven and cheese and every time you don't buy a bag and eat nearly the whole thing all at once, someone shoots one of ODB's illegitimate children. And you wouldn't want that now, would you?, and
10) Because 10 is a good round number and a pants size I have still yet to hit even after a summer of beer, brunch and just being awesome. Not that I am approaching 10 but it's a good reminder for myself that moderation is the key to baseball, Henry!
I say this with nothing but love: Happy school year, pud whackers!