For that last minute gift on your list!

There is a fine line between genius and jackassery.  I happened upon this website tonight and I would like to share my thoughts with you on this airplane catalog list of shit that some people either spent their life's savings to invent and patent or spent their children's college funds on Kenyan internet scams because those are the only type of idiot that would buy this garbage.

First off, we have the Fry Holder, complete with ketchup dumping receptacle because everyone wants to open a packet of liquid tomato shit and pour it directly into a difficult to clean cubby in your dashboard.  Usually that only happens after a night of heavy drinking and it's STILL someone else's car.  Excuse me, but where is my 59 piece nugget holder, apple pie grip, and bucket for my 10 gallon of DIET Coke.  I'm watching my fucking weight.

Second on our list of absolute shit is Sauce Dispensing Chopsticks because dipping your sushi is UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING HARD!  There is no way in Hell you could ever get those things clean enough after sucking up some plum sauce, not to mention that you would have to pour the sauce into a pint glass to be able to suck up more than a teaspoon.  Speaking of sucking:

Another gem for the next recipient of a Darwin Award is this plastic piece of shit.  Flip Flop Metal Detectors.  Now the Dungeon master weirdos can further enhance their, "Don't come hither" beach look with what appears to be a house arrest tether giving them an iota of street cred until someone realizes they are digging for buried treasure!! ARRG!  BUT, thankfully one can detect the AIDS infected hypodermic from Coney Island a nanosecond before it pierces your heel.  Cheers, dick wad!

And here's one for the kitchen-dwelling, vapid lady of the house: a spout that attaches to the side of a pot for easier pouring.  I wouldn't actually be opposed to this if the picture didn't show some fuck tard pouring scrambled eggs OUT of the pan.  Pretty sure that omelet won't make itself on the kitchen counter, Zuel.  Quick! Make a spout to pour it back in the pan, asshole!

Here we have what can be an educational tool.  A rocking chair/baby crib sleep bed thing.  I don't know what the fuck those things are called; my womb is as barren as the Mojave!  Anyhow, get up too quick and you pull a dumper on the kid.  Lean back as far as you can without tipping like all the cool kids are doing!  See if you can make little Jimmy seasick!!  Ahhh...the fun of fucking with other people's kids.

Next is...oh God.  Seriously??  Portable Egg Cooker... Well, shit.

If I ever saw a grown man walking down the street with this umbrella, I would take it upon myself to take it out of his hand, close it and beat the ever living shit out of him.  Actually, first and foremost, I would clock him right in his mangina first, then proceed to bloody his lady face.  I would imagine that this stupid broad bought the umbrella for him and I'm sad that he is defunct in his bitch-check duties.

Lastly, I would be remiss in not mentioning the newest in this Winter's line of "Household Items That Can be Used to Abuse Your Children!"  Seriously?!  How could anyone have ever thought that a hand-held bread toaster, AKA the EZ 3Degree Burn-O-Matic, would be a good idea??  I am terrified of how that thing works and how hot it must get to toast your bread in one swipe.  Also, I know how terribly cumbersome it is to push down a lever on a toaster and stand around, fisting your nose for 3 minutes, you lazy fucking assclown!

My brain and my heart hurt but for those who want more, here is a link to the website with these and way too many more awful things that people have invented to make us fatter, lazier, down a few fingers or just very confused.

Not that I have ever have this problem, but if you are thinking of buying any of these for your Dear Ol' High Life, please rethink or at least buy me the portable egg cooker.  I am tired of accidentally smashing these raw ones in my pockets.