Unfortunately for NBC (and jingoism enthusiasts everywhere) the Olympics are over. Now NBC can go back to being the home of shows that people say they really like, but don't actually watch. I'm looking at you, Community. Don't make that face, you know it's true!
It also means that the rest of us can stop pretending that we care about swimming and running and gymnastics. Unless you're Michale Phelps, Usain Bolt, or Apollo Whatshisface from the Subway commercials, you can rest assured that all your hard work will be rewarded with no one giving a shit about you for the next 3 years, 11 months, and 14 days. Then the next Olypmics will roll around and people will again talk about you as if they haven't utterly ignored your existence for nearly half a decade. You know, provided you're still competing. You might be one of those gynmasts who can't compete after age 11.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I will freely admit that I HAAAAAAAATE the Olympics. Not every single event. But any of the events that I might enjoy are either bastardized, half-assed versions of sports that are already pretty popular (Basketball & Soccer) or are events that get next to no TV time (Handball, Modern Pentathalon, Judo). And on top of all of that, I have to put up with Bob Costas' ghoul face haunting my dreams for 2 weeks. But have no fear. I'm about to work the same creative magic that I worked for golf a while back. So without further adieu, here are my simple tips for making the Olympics not suck.
1. There Are Way Too Many Events
You wanna know the real reason why Michael Phelps has more gold medals than anyone else? Becuase there are somewhere between 37 and 852 swimming events at the Olympics. I don't know about you, but I really don't need to know who the worlds best backstroker is. And I certainly don't think we need to watch them all competed at 5 different distances. The 100 meters, the mile (cause fuck the metric system), and whatever the swimming equivalent of a marathon is. That's it. Swim it however the fuck you want, just do it faster than everyone else. And the same goes for running. Three distances is all you need. Fine, we'll throw in a hurdle event. Whatever the shortest one is. Short distance, middle distance, long distance, done and dusted. Keep it simple, folks.
And while we're canning bullshit events, I have no idea what the fuck Dressage is, but Wikipedia tells me that it's basically "horse ballet." Fuck that. You're gone, Dressage. We only need one horse event and it should be the one where you have to jump over shit. But it should be done modern pentathlon-style we you get your horse at random 10 minutes before you go out there. Let's see how talented these clowns really are. Also, any activity that is typically performed while drunk at a family barbecue is NOT an Olympic event. I'm looking at you, badminton, ping pong, and trampoline. Pack your bags, you're done here. We should also axe tennis mostly because the really good tennis players don't give a shit about the Olympics. They've got Wimbledon and all of the different "Opens." They don't need the Olympics. And in keeping with the spirit of event deletion...
2. There's No "I" In Team, But There Is One In "Olympics"
The Olympics should be about individual athletic achievements. Soccer already has the World Cup and all of the continental tournaments that are all way more important than the Olympics. Olympic soccer is basically just an annoyance to these guys. Why can't basketball and handball just turn their World Championships into their own versions of the World Cup? (Side Note: Have you watched Olympic handball? There is absolutely no way professional handball would be less popular in the US than Hockey. It's fucking awesome!) Not water polo, thought. That shit sucks. It's basically like watching synchronized drowning. Soccer and Basketball are already way more popular than the Olympics on their own anyway. Let them stay in their own lane.
3. "These Are The Best Athletes In The World"
Or at least that's what all the commentators say. But if we want to find out who the best athletes in the world are, then lets get serious about it. To that end, my final improvement to the Olympics is this: Every country must nominate four competitors, two male and two female, and each competitor must compete in all of the events. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Competitors will be awarded points based on where they finish in each event. Once all events have been completed, the male and female competitors with the most accumulated points are declared the winners. Each ones gets their own costume and they become their country's very own superhero.
Now tell me you wouldn't watch every minute of that? It would be a fucking ratings bonanza. It would make NBC enough money that they could go and spend the next four years making all the critically acclaimed comedies that no one watches that they want to. Must see TV, indeed.
Seriously, tell me this isn't the best idea you've ever heard.