How to Make the Olympics Interesting...

Unfortunately for NBC (and jingoism enthusiasts everywhere) the Olympics are over. Now NBC can go back to being the home of shows that people say they really like, but don't actually watch. I'm looking at you, Community. Don't make that face, you know it's true!

It also means that the rest of us can stop pretending that we care about swimming and running and gymnastics. Unless you're Michale Phelps, Usain Bolt, or Apollo Whatshisface from the Subway commercials, you can rest assured that all your hard work will be rewarded with no one giving a shit about you for the next 3 years, 11 months, and 14 days. Then the next Olypmics will roll around and people will again talk about you as if they haven't utterly ignored your existence for nearly half a decade. You know, provided you're still competing. You might be one of those gynmasts who can't compete after age 11.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will freely admit that I HAAAAAAAATE the Olympics. Not every single event. But any of the events that I might enjoy are either bastardized, half-assed versions of sports that are already pretty popular (Basketball & Soccer) or are events that get next to no TV time (Handball, Modern Pentathalon, Judo). And on top of all of that, I have to put up with Bob Costas' ghoul face haunting my dreams for 2 weeks. But have no fear. I'm about to work the same creative magic that I worked for golf a while back. So without further adieu, here are my simple tips for making the Olympics not suck.

1. There Are Way Too Many Events

You wanna know the real reason why Michael Phelps has more gold medals than anyone else? Becuase there are somewhere between 37 and 852 swimming events at the Olympics. I don't know about you, but I really don't need to know who the worlds best backstroker is. And I certainly don't think we need to watch them all competed at 5 different distances. The 100 meters, the mile (cause fuck the metric system), and whatever the swimming equivalent of a marathon is. That's it. Swim it however the fuck you want, just do it faster than everyone else. And the same goes for running. Three distances is all you need. Fine, we'll throw in a hurdle event. Whatever the shortest one is. Short distance, middle distance, long distance, done and dusted. Keep it simple, folks.

And while we're canning bullshit events, I have no idea what the fuck Dressage is, but Wikipedia tells me that it's basically "horse ballet." Fuck that. You're gone, Dressage. We only need one horse event and it should be the one where you have to jump over shit. But it should be done modern pentathlon-style we you get your horse at random 10 minutes before you go out there. Let's see how talented these clowns really are. Also, any activity that is typically performed while drunk at a family barbecue is NOT an Olympic event. I'm looking at you, badminton, ping pong, and trampoline. Pack your bags, you're done here. We should also axe tennis mostly because the really good tennis players don't give a shit about the Olympics. They've got Wimbledon and all of the different "Opens." They don't need the Olympics. And in keeping with the spirit of event deletion...

2. There's No "I" In Team, But There Is One In "Olympics"

The Olympics should be about individual athletic achievements.  Soccer already has the World Cup and all of the continental tournaments that are all way more important than the Olympics. Olympic soccer is basically just an annoyance to these guys. Why can't basketball and handball just turn their World Championships into their own versions of the World Cup? (Side Note: Have you watched Olympic handball? There is absolutely no way professional handball would be less popular in the US than Hockey. It's fucking awesome!) Not water polo, thought. That shit sucks. It's basically like watching synchronized drowning. Soccer and Basketball are already way more popular than the Olympics on their own anyway. Let them stay in their own lane.

3. "These Are The Best Athletes In The World"

Or at least that's what all the commentators say. But if we want to find out who the best athletes in the world are, then lets get serious about it. To that end, my final improvement to the Olympics is this: Every country must nominate four competitors, two male and two female, and each competitor must compete in all of the events. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Competitors will be awarded points based on where they finish in each event. Once all events have been completed, the male and female competitors with the most accumulated points are declared the winners. Each ones gets their own costume and they become their country's very own superhero.

Now tell me you wouldn't watch every minute of that? It would be a fucking ratings bonanza. It would make NBC enough money that they could go and spend the next four years making all the critically acclaimed comedies that no one watches that they want to. Must see TV, indeed.

Seriously, tell me this isn't the best idea you've ever heard.

ALRIGHT...WE GET IT...

5 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Euro 2012

The UEFA European Football Championship is held every four years among all of the national football (soccer, to you folks in America) teams in Europe. And Turkey and Israel...because...well I really don't have a clue why. But it's going on now until July 1st, and while I know soccer isn't really that big here in America, there are some really good reasons why you should be watching it anyway.

5. Because playing soccer is really hard

I play soccer...no...wait...back up. I sometimes attempt to play soccer. And I can tell you that it is really hard. Trying to dribble a ball with your feet or kick the ball to a precise location is infinitely harder than it looks. So there will be a lot of moments during the game where it looks like the players are fucking up. But occasionally something like this happens:

Or this:

And when it does, it's pretty awesome.

4. Because no athlete in America can compete with Soccer Player Crazy

This is Mario Balotelli. He plays for Italy and Manchester City. No seriously he does. He's Italian. Just trust me. Mario has quite a track record. He threw darts at a member of City's youth academy because he was bored during training. He randomly stopped into a Manchester middle school because he had to take a shit. He later went to another school near City's training ground to confront a bully who had been harassing a young City fan. He almost burned down his house because he was shooting fireworks off in his bathroom. He once showed up to a press conference where the new coach was announced. Except it as for a team he doesn't play for. And that's just the last twelve months. Take that Metta World Peace.

HE ALSO WORE THIS HAT

3. Because no American in at least 50 years has cared this much about anything

2. Because some of these teams really hate each other

And we're not talking about Yankees/Red Sox or Penguins/Flyers hate either. We're talking "you're country bombed my country" and "you people are the reason why we had to live under an oppressive dictator for all of those years" kind of hate. Leading the way this year, we have the Russians and the Pols. Poland is one of this year's host nations. Russia occupied Poland for over 40 years after World War II. And relations haven't really gotten better since Poland regained it's sovereignty. So in the spirit of improving relations, during their game against Poland, Russian fans unfurled a banner that was roughly the size of a small house that said "THIS IS RUSSIA." The game was in Warsaw. That's in Poland. Things didn't go well after that.

PRETTY MUCH JUST A LOT OF VARIATIONS OF THIS

1. You can watch this guy fail with soul-satisfying completeness

This is Cristiano Ronaldo. If you took ever Euro-trash and douchebag stereotype you can think of and mashed them all together, he's what you'd get. He's good looking. He wears skinny jeans. His hair always has waaaaay too much shit in it. He wears his collar popped. Women love him even though carries a purse. He's also better at playing soccer than you will ever be at ANYTHING...ever. But in the course of being great at soccer he whines a lot. And he complains to referees. And he throws temper tantrums at his teammates when they don't pass him the ball. And he flops to the ground like he's been shot if someone so much as looks at him hard. Oh and he has this ridiculous goal celebration where he does some combination of an angry kitten impersonation and a creepy "I'm gonna grab your boobs" hand gesture. It's absolutely horrifying.

He's a world class athlete with good looks, a metric shitload of money, and a laundry list of celebrity ex-girlfriends. His ability to score goals for his club, Real Madrid, are borderline inhuman. BUT...when he plays with the Portuguese national team...well...how do I put this nicely. He stinks on ice. His performances for Portugal range from "toiling in mediocrity" to "utterly hapless." And be honest, doesn't it make you feel really good to watch a guy like this suck at something? HE CARRIES A FRIGGING PURSE!

Profile of a Teacher, A Month Later

If you were to ask me ten different times what my favorite musical act ever is, chances are you'd get ten different answers. None of them would be the Beastie Boys. I really can't say why not. I own all of their albums. As in "I paid money for their cds." Every one. I can probably only say that about four or five other artists. And I think that is a microcosm of just how underrated the Beastie Boys are as musicians. I honestly can't think of anyone under the age of 50 who doesn't like them. Not one. 

When I heard the news that Adam Yauch, aka MCA, had lost his battle with cancer and passed away, I was saddened. Maybe more so than for any other musician before him. If you had asked me at that moment, I wouldn't have been able to explain why. He didn't have Ad-Rock's loud personality. He didn't have Mike D's over the top sense of style. MCA was the quiet, seemingly more reserved member of the Beastie Boys, but somehow I always equated him with the leader of the group. He always struck me as a "cool older brother" figure. He was someone I looked up to, even if I didn't entirely know why.

If you're a child of the 80's like I am, you watched the Beastie Boys grow up right in front of you. They went from obnoxious kids to conscious, mature artists over the course of their 8-album career together. And to me, it always felt like MCA was at the heart of that growth. He was the one who spurred the group's connection to the Tibetan Freedom movement. He was the guy who wrote a letter to Time Out New York in '99 apologizing for homophobic lyrics in the groups previous albums. He spit on "Sure Shot" about showing women the respect they deserved. I find it hard to not place the majority of the credit group's ever increasing levels of political and social activism on MCA's shoulders. Oh, and he just happen to do all of this while still putting out hit records with the Beasties and starting his own production company to support music and film projects that he wanted to see get made. No big...

MCA and the rest of the Beasties taught us that it was ok to grow up. You could be an adult without being boring. You could mature without becoming stuffy. It is possible to be cool AND be a grownup. I think that's why MCA's passing affected me so much. Adam Yauch the man was so much more than MCA the musician. He was someone to aspire towards. He was a bright light of positive energy and the world is a lesser place with him gone. So ask me who my favorite band is and I may not say the Beastie Boys. But ask me who I want to be when I grow up and I know exactly what my answer would be: I wanna be Adam Yauch.

Rest in Peace Adam "MCA" Yauch (1964-2012)

A Few Words on "Bounty-Gate"

I didn't want to talk about this. I don't usually do sports stories. There are plenty of guys on the interwebs who do this kind of thing and they do a far better job of it than I could. But this bounty scandal is just too appalling.

Just in case you don't know anything about the Bounty-Gate scandal, because maybe you've been trapped in an Peruvian coal mine or just escaped from an Amish Luddite commune, allow me to explain. The New Orleans Saints defensive players and coaches were caught engaging in some sort of pool in which players were paid a bonus for injuring players on opposing teams. I will now allow a moment for your shock and appalledness to sink in..................................I know I needed quite a bit of time as well.....................Ok, I'm ready to continue.

This kind of behavior in the game of football is totally unacceptable. It runs completely opposite to the spirit of the game. Violence has no place in the NFL and the league, with its ever-safety-conscious commisioner Roger Goodell, have a moral obligation to mete out harsh penalties in response to such an egregious violation. The NFL and the game of football are built upon a deep appreciation for finesse, skill, and athleticism. They should not be, and have never been, a celebration of brutality and vicious, potentially maiming, tackling.

Some people may claim that this outrage by the league is simply an attempt to save face...a damage-control move, if you will. Some might claim that the league has a long history of marketing the more violent aspects of the game in an attempt to cash in on a blood-thirsty American culture. I would say that those claims are completely preposterous. I defy any of you to show me a time when the NFL has tried to use violence or the possibility of player injury as a sales tool!

Player safety has been the hallmark of Roger Goodell's term as commisioner of the NFL and the sanctions he has levied against the New Orleans Saints are just another example of his deep concern for the welfare of his players. Never one to put financial concerns over the well being of players, Mr. Goodell has sent a clear message that this kind of behavior won't be tolerated. And I, for one, applaud him for his efforts. Injuries are an unfortunate side effect of athletic competition. It's never something that has been celebrated, or applauded, or marketed. The league's job is to give the fans what they want to see. And what they want to see is clearly not violence.

Polling The Audience

So we're going to talk about the word "Nigga" for a minute. Yes I just typed the word out. Yes I'm white. Yes I know it's not ok for me to use that word casually in conversation. But if you think I'm going to type out "the N word that ends in A and not ER" ever time I need to mention the specific word I'm talking about, then you clearly don't understand how overpowering my laziness really is. 

I'm not one of those dumbass white folks who thinks it should be ok for white people to say that word. Ok, I take that back, I think white folks should be allowed to say it if it's a lyric in a rap song that they are singing along to. (I mean how can I rap along to this without saying it?) But that's it. And I'm ok with that. I get the reasoning behind it. Our ancestors fucked it up for everybody. "Oh but that was a long time ago, black people should get over it already." Noooooo, it really wasn't that long ago. There are people alive today who lived through serious, oldschool racism. Like the "let's round up the family for a wholesome Sunday of lynchin'" kind of racism. Let me repeat myself: There are people, still alive today, who lived through that shit. So clearly it wasn't THAT long ago. So yeah, there's probably a little more healing that needs to be done before white people can start calling each other "nigga" in public. I don't think that's unreasonable. 

But there is one thing that I don't understand. Why is it ok for Hispanic people to say it? Fat Joe drops it in his raps more than most black rappers and he is most defintely not black. (Though in Fat Joe's defense, he thinks everyone should be allowed to say it, regardless of their race.) 

Pictured: Not a black personSo I'm asking this as a serious question from a dumbass white boy who wants to understand: Why don't more black folks have a problem with Hispanic folks saying the word? 

Oh and one more thing. If you're one of those people who says things like "well black people call each other that all the time, so how offensive can it be" then I would really appreciate it if you would just douse yourself in AIDS and light yourself on fire. Cause, as a white person, you're embarassing to me. And I do a plenty good job of embarassing myself all on my own, thanks. I don't need your fucking help. So please. Drop dead. Immediately if possible. That'd be swell of you.