How I Know That There Is No God...pt I

I probably could have just stopped after the picture. I don't care who you are. I don't give a rat fuck how long you've been a fan of this website. I don't care if you've told everyone you know about us and have done everything you can to make us famous. If you like Guy Fieri, not only do I want you to stop reading this website, but I want you to stop reading this website, stab yourself with a syringe full of Arthur Ashe's blood, and go die alone in a gutter somewhere.

Just mentioning this assclown's name fills me with a seething hatred like few others can coax out of me. For fuck's sake "Fieri" isn't even his last name! His real name is Ferry. But apparently calling Johnny Garlic's (with such Italian classics as cajun fettucini alfredo and chipotle shimp and chorizo pizza) an Italian restaraunt wasn't enough of an insult to Italian's everywhere, so this spikey-hair jizzbucket decided that changing his last name to something more Italian was the way to go.

I can't even put my finger on exactly what it is that I hate so much about it. Is it the ridiculous frosted tips and the forearm sweatband that he stole from 2002? It could also be that he wears sunglasses on the back of his head. The fact that he's 45 years old and still thinks it's ok to wear shirts with flames on them certainly doesn't help his case. Neither do all of his idiotic catch phrases. Where exactly is "Flavortown?" And what's the quickest way to get there so I can dump antrax in the towns drinking water?

If you watch Guy for 10 minutes, you start to understand why there are people who hate America. Watch him for 25 minutes and start to think that maybe they have a point. And I can honestly say that after watching this botched abortion on tv for a solid 60 minutes, I would allow 9/11 to happen all over again if it meant that Guy Fieri would be killed in the attack. It's like someone took everything that sucks about America, the male gender, and humanity as a whole, mix it into some kind of seething, swirling morass of soul destruction, and then brought it to life. Just look at him.

He's wearing a zip up leather t-shirt. ZIP UP! LEATHER! T-SHIRT! If there were ever two words that should never be included with t-shirt, it's leather and zip up. And that's how I know there is no God. At the very least not a just or loving one. Because a just and loving God wouldn't allow someone like this to go on living. But thank Jeebus for cancer! Because between his constant facial sunburn and the amount of meat and alcohol this guy pours into his gullet, there is a pretty good chance that skin/liver/colon cancer will rid us of this assclown before too long. And with all the shit this guy has to put in his hair, we can probably put brain cancer on the list too. Hopefully anyway.