5 Things That Guys Should Stop Doing Once They Hit 35

As hard as it might be to believe, I actually have a day job. That's right ladies and germs: I am actually capable of holding it together long enough to stay (somewhat) gainfully employed. And my (somewhat) gainful employment affords me no end of stupid shit to write about.

There are a lot of guys out there who don't seem to be able to grasp how old they actually are. When you work at a job that's connect to the media in any way, you run across way more than your recommended daily allowance of these gentlemen. There really is nothing more pathetic than a guy clinging with a death grip to his mid-twenties. Particularly when that guy is closing in on fifty. It almost makes me feel sorry for them. Almost. So with that in mind, I've assembled a list of five things that I think should be outlawed for men over the age of thirty-five. This is in no way a complete list. I'm not even comfortable calling it a top five. It's just five examples that I see on a daily basis that make me want to vomit with rage.

5. Having a Song As Your Ringtone

Having a musical ringtone only serves to accomplish two things: One, it makes it very clear exactly how old you are by cluing people in to what music was popular back in your heyday. Two, it lets everyone around you know just how shitty your musical taste is. It's cool when "Sweet Home Alabama" comes on at 2:30 in the morning when you're shit out of your tree at a bar. When it comes on 35 times a day in the office, it just makes people want to brain you with an inkjet printer.

4. Wearing Pooka Bead Necklaces

This may not be as widespread of a problem as I think it is. I work in digital media, so I am forced to interact with a lot of people from California and it's completely possible that this could be a problem native to that part of the country. If that's the case, then it's just one more thing to add to California's list of crimes against humanity. But that doesn't make it any less pathetic. These guys seem to be under the misguided impression that it makes them look like a cool surfer guy. It doesn't. It just makes you look like a dipshit who has lost touch with reality. You're not a 19 year old on spring break. You're a 42 year old Java programmer. BIIIIIIIIG difference. One of you has a chance of to catching chlamydia during a hot tub-related threesome. One of you I wish would get syphilis and die. Can you guess which one you are? WRONG! You're the second one.

Pictured: A California Dipshit

3. Fist Bumping

You know when it's an appropriate time for a grown man to fist bump? When you catch a bounce pass from Chris Paul and rise up so high, and throw down a dunk with such violence, that Oklahoma City Thunder center Kendrick Perkins' family immediately disowns him and demands he take the name off the back of his jersey. Here's an example:

You see that? You see Blake Griffin's fist bump after that dunk? No. You didn't. If Blake Griffin doesn't fist bump after that slam, you shouldn't fist bump people after a conference call.

2. Using the Word "Bro"

I'll admit it that I'm not a fan of the word "bro" in general but I always treated it as one of those stupid college fratboy things that guys are supposed to grow out of when they turn into men. Unfortuntely, I seem to be one of a small minority who feels this way. The next 40-something who comes up to me and says "what's up bro" is getting hepatitis throw in their face. And the same thing goes for brother and brah and broham and brosky and any other dogshit variation of the word you can come up with. You not a fucking professional wrestler, so just cut the shit. And if you want to keep saying it, then I suggest you take part in another hallowed pro wrestling tradition and die before your 50.

1. The Soul Patch

Forget about after 35, the soul patch is something that belongs on a list of things that guys should stop doing. Period. It is the single most moronic facial hair fashion, just barely edging out the Rollie Fingers mustache. But at least you can say you grew the Rollie Fingers as a goof. There is no way you're going to convince anyone that there is something ironic about a porn star's pubes on your lower lip. A soul patch DOES NOT make you look like a soulful free spirit. A soul patch DOES make you look like someone who should be arrested on suspicion of statutory rape.

Seriously, would you trust this guy alone with your teenage daughter?

Cause you really shouldn't...